I have found that the best thing that I can do for someone who is in pain, is to enter into the pain with them.  Romans says to mourn with those who mourn.  Just being there, being human.  Seeing their pain and loss as if it were mine because in some sense, their loss and pain really are mine.

The next time you encounter someone in the pain of loss, don’t worry about what to say, enter into their pain.

Romans 12

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.   ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.   ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.   ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.   ¹³ Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.   ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.   ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.   ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.   ¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

²⁰ On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;  if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” ²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

But the thoughts that were flooding my mind and my heart were focused on Parker.  He’s 13, not a little boy any more, he is becoming a man.  We had just spent the last 10 days serving together.  And I couldn’t think of any other way that I would have rather spent those days. Eating foods that we weren’t accustomed to, doing things that were outside of both of our comfort zones but most importantly learning together that what Jesus says is true.

True life is found not in trying to gain it but in giving it away,

not by taking the highest place but by taking the lowest place,

not by getting but by giving.

I’m so excited about the growth that God has brought about in his life and I can’t wait to see what impact God may choose to have him make for His Kingdom.

I’m honored to be his dad!

In fact there are times when I couldn’t care less what anybody else thinks of me or of what I’ve done.  But then I begin to wonder if I really don’t care or if I just want people to think that I don’t care because that would make me seem pretty cool.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while as I sit here staring at my laptop screen.  I catch my reflection in the monitor and I think I see just another human trying to find a good spot at the table.

Luke 14:7-11 (The Message)
He went on to tell a story to the guests around the table. Noticing how each had tried to elbow into the place of honor, he said, “When someone invites you to dinner, don’t take the place of honor. Somebody more important than you might have been invited by the host. Then he’ll come and call out in front of everybody, ‘You’re in the wrong place. The place of honor belongs to this man.’ Red-faced, you’ll have to make your way to the very last table, the only place left.

“When you’re invited to dinner, go and sit at the last place. Then when the host comes he may very well say, ‘Friend, come up to the front.’ That will give the dinner guests something to talk about! What I’m saying is, If you walk around with your nose in the air, you’re going to end up flat on your face. But if you’re content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.”

“Jesus, help me be content simply being myself, help my only aspiration to be to serve.  If I’m serving I don’t need a spot at the table.”

He had trisomy 18, a chromosome abnormality in which life “fails to thrive.”

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him.  There are times when the pain of his loss is as fresh as it was four years ago.  My head was full of questions then, to be completely honest I still have more questions than answers.  Even though I don’t have the answers, I do feel like I’ve learned a few things.  You can take them for whatever they’re worth.  Some of them might not make sense to anyone else, that’s okay.

Some Things I’ve learned:

Pain is a very personal thing

As a christian community, we don’t know how to help others grieve

The next time you’re about to utter a christian cliche to someone in pain, do me a favor, shut your mouth and just be there

I waste too much time worrying about what other people think

I waste too much energy pursuing things that are of no consequence

Good friends (including family) are a true treasure, I need to work on being a better friend

Every day is a gift, I should live like it

I don’t hug my kids enough

I’m too serious

God is good, even when it doesn’t seem like it

Why is it that we want to appear bigger than we are?  Maybe not physically but we want people to think that we’re important.

I think this has become even more apparent in our age of social media.  The temptation is to focus more on appearing to be doing something significant rather than being focused on doing something significant.

There is a line somewhere between legitimate networking and promoting self.

Our lives are full of distractions that keep us from the important things in life.  One of the things that I’ve seen in my own life and in the life of other dads is that when we are with our families, we aren’t really there, we are distracted.   I think that you can probably identify with me; your talking with your kids but thinking about that project that you would really like to get done, or maybe your playing a game with the family and the cell phone goes off.  All of these distractions take us away from our families when we are with them.  We rob our families when we are with them but aren’t really with them because we are distracted.  They deserve our full attention.  So this weekend I am making a special effort to truly be there with my family, to make sure that when I am with them, I am really with them.

Here are five distractions that I need to eliminate:

Turn off the cell phone-putting it on silent mode isn’t enough you will still see the call and then spend your time wondering why they called.  If you have a smart phone that shouldn’t be shut off, then turn it on silent mode and put it in a drawer where you can’t see it.

Shut down the computer-whatever it is, it can wait!

Put the book/magazine/newspaper down-I love to read but I have come to the painful realization that being in the same room as the family as I read a book to myself does not count as spending time with them.  Put the book/magazine/newspapers down and engage your family!

Turn off the TV-I don’t know if you’ve tried to have a conversation with your wife while watching a football game but just let me say “Don’t!” Many times I have overestimated my abilities to listen to my wife and watch a game, it has always ended in disaster.  Take my advice, turn off the tv.  There is nothing more important on that box than what you will experience with your family.

Put all projects on hold- for the most part I am a task-oriented person, I like to get things done.  I have a tendency to be thinking about projects when I should just be enjoying my family.  I have to learn to put the projects on hold until it’s time to pick them up again.

What are the things that distract you when you are with your family?

The best night of the week  is Friday night. I know that some of you might be thinking “that’s a no-brainer everybody loves Friday!,” but I like Friday nights for a different reason.  Friday night is the best night of the week because I’m with my favorite people.  Friday night is family night in our house.  We do our absolute best to protect it and keep it for the family.  Sometimes things come up that are unavoidable but very rarely will I agree to anything that will take me away on a Friday.  We guard that time because it’s important and I think the consistency is important for the kids.  They know every Friday night is going to be spent together, it gives them something to look forward to every week.

We don’t do any incredibly special activities, in fact some people might consider what we do boring, but what makes the night special is that we are together.  We usually play some games, Uno, Apples To Apples, Twister, and Wii Bowling are just some that are current favorites.  Twister seems to be the only game that I can still maintain dominance in.  I’m bigger than they are and sometimes “accidentally” knock them over at critical points in the game.  I’m pretty sure that might be illegal, but you have to use what you’ve got!

After the games we usually make some popcorn, set up “camp” in the living room or the boys room and then watch a movie together.  (In case you’re wondering, I either get the couch in the living room or one of the beds in the boys room.  Being the dad has to come with some privileges.)  The kids take turns on who gets to pick out the movie for the night but it always has to be something that everyone can watch.  This can sometimes be difficult and lead to arguments when you have a limited selection of movies to choose from and you’ve already watched them all at least 2 times each.  But even that process can be healthy as the kids learn to work out differences of opinions and learn to balance personal preferences with the best interest of the family.  Sometimes we’ll watch old family videos instead of a movie.  It’s always fun to see how much the kids have changed and the funny things they did and said.  We let the kids stay up late (depending on Saturday’s schedule), this simple fact alone brings them an inordinate amount of joy.

Throughout the course of the night we talk and laugh and tell stories.  Sometimes the stories are from when the kids were younger and sometimes the stories are from when Shalon and I were growing up.  The kids love to hear stories about when we were growing up, especially any that involve us getting into trouble!  As I sit and listen to my family talk and watch their animated faces and laughter, I think about the blessing that they are to me.  And I think to myself “there is nowhere else I would rather be in all the world.”

I love Friday nights because we’re together.

I love Friday nights because we’re family.

Friday night is the best night of the week, every week.

Maybe Friday nights don’t work for your family, that’s okay, the important thing is that you set aside time for what’s really important.

So how about your family?  What do you do to spend time together?

Do you have something regular set up?

What does your family do for fun?